Miscarriage can happen to any woman during any pregnancy. It is believed that every woman will have at least one miscarriage during their childbearing years, most without ever knowing that they were pregnant in the first place. For a couple expecting the blessed arrival of their child, a miscarriage is devastating news that will test their relationship.

It is true that while men and women are made for each other they deal with circumstances in life in different ways. Society has placed different values on emotions for men and women. Those emotional differences can be the force that drives a wedge between couples when a miscarriage is experienced.

In this report, you will learn about miscarriages and how to cope with the loss. Both partners need to deal with the loss but they need to do it together instead of allowing it to break them apart. Coping strategies are mentioned for men and for women.

Miscarriage Explained: When it Happens

A miscarriage is also referred to as a “spontaneous abortion.” For whatever reason, the developing baby will expel itself from the mother’s body. Most miscarriages occur before the mother reaches 20 weeks of pregnancy. When they occur later than that, the miscarriage is termed a “stillbirth” and the mother will deliver the child to remove it from her body.

There are signs that send up warning flags that a miscarriage may be in progress. First of all, you might see spotting or heavy bleeding. The spotting alone doesn’t mean that you are about to miscarry but it is enough to alert your doctor that something is going on. If there are problems developing with the cervix, your doctor might require bed rest for a span of time to avoid a miscarriage.

Another sign is pain in the lower abdomen with or without cramping. Any kind of pain during a pregnancy is cause for concern and needs to be dealt with right away. The pain could give way to heavy bleeding with blood clots. Also, after a miscarriage the symptoms of pregnancy (morning sickness) will disappear.

Terms

When you visit your doctor with these symptoms you may hear several terms used to describe what is or has happened to you. The first was mentioned earlier, “spontaneous abortion.” Many miscarriages are due to genetic defects in the developing embryo. Miscarriages in the first few weeks of pregnancy can be attributed to failure of the fertilized egg to implant properly in the uterus and are often called “chemical abortions.”

The doctor will conduct a routine exam when you come in after experiencing signs of a possible miscarriage. The results of his exam determine what comes next. With a miscarriage, sometimes the fetus and the placenta are not completely removed from The Body. The doctor will call this an “incomplete abortion.”

Some women may have pain or cramping and visit their gynecologist for an exam. Tests may reveal that a pregnancy has expired even before you knew you were pregnant. Sometimes, the tiny fetus doesn’t expel. This is termed a “missed abortion.”

Further Treatment

In cases where the products of conception (fetal tissue and the placenta) are not naturally passed after a miscarriage the doctor must remove them with a surgical procedure. It is performed in an operating room suite with anesthesia.

The doctor must be sure that all fetal and placental tissue is removed from the body. Leaving this tissue behind can cause an infection as it begins to break down and you will become very sick. Such an infection is characterized by fevers, pain, chills and abnormal discharge from your body.

The procedure performed is called a suction dilation and curettage. You will be prepped just like you would for an annual exam in the doctor’s office. The doctor uses a machine to remove any remaining tissue. You might receive antibiotics to prevent infections.

A Woman's Reaction To a Miscarriage

The doctor will surely tell you that the miscarriage was not your fault. As the vessel for the baby, it is not uncommon to feel that you did or didn’t do something that resulted in a miscarriage. The human body is an extraordinary machine. It seems to know when life can’t be sustained any longer whether we know it yet or not.

The doctor gives all of the medical reasons why the pregnancy failed. If this is your first miscarriage, there is no reason why the next pregnancy won’t make it to term. And, you can get pregnant again and have absolutely no problems. Other issues that may have affected the pregnancy such as genetic history, cysts on ovaries or fibroids on the uterus will be addressed and dealt with to avoid future miscarriages.

With all that said, the head will know that the doctor is telling the truth, but the heart will see things differently. The child that you so happily prepared for is gone and nothing will bring him back. All of the assurances in the world aren’t going to change that fact. After the medical business of the miscarriage is over, the pain will remain and it has to be addressed.

The Stages of Grief

Make no mistake; you will grieve the loss of your child. With a miscarriage there is no body to view or bury but it is a loss just like any other. The death of a loved one has occurred and before you can move on, the pain of the event must be understood in your mind and let go. There are no time limits on grieving. The best advice is to give yourself all the time you need to experience your grief.

There are five stages to the grieving process. You will hit on all five before you are through. The length of each stage is individual.

The first stage is denial. In order to get back to work and running your home, you push the event out of your mind and go on like nothing happened. If coworkers or friends share their heartfelt condolences it might make you angry but definitely uncomfortable because you are not acknowledging that anything important just happened to you. Men often mistake this first stage of grief as the end of the process.

Anger soon follows as the second stage of grief. Looking at the nursery you have created makes you angry with yourself for the miscarriage. If only you had done things differently, you might think. Even your spouse or partner may trigger anger since he reminds you of the lost child. Secretly, you may even believe that he blames you for the miscarriage.

The third stage, bargaining may pass quickly. You realize that you can’t get your child back but you may wish to be pregnant again or tell God that if He allows you to get pregnant again, you won’t lose this baby. Asking your spouse, over and over again if they are upset or angry with you after the miscarriage, is a silent cry for forgiveness that is not needed. If he would only forgive you for losing the baby, things would be okay. The false guilt can feel like a crushing weight.

Depression (the fourth stage) is the one most often worried about. The combination of guilt, doubt, anger, hopelessness and fear can numb the pain and cause you to retreat into yourself where no one can reach you. A prolonged depression can lead to suicidal tendencies. This stage will come but may need the assistance of an outside professional to navigate it safely.

The last stage of grief is acceptance. This can be the hardest stage of the process. To accept is to let go and many equate that with forgetting the child you lost. Know that acceptance is not about forgetting but coming to terms with the loss and getting your life back. You will never forget but the wounds must be allowed to heal for the sake of your Health, your relationship and future children.

A Man's Reaction to a Miscarriage

Society stresses that men are to be strong physically, financially and emotionally for their partners and families. Showing emotions or staying emotional for too long is a sign of weakness. After a while, men come to believe this. It is ingrained in their psyche.

As a father-to-be, your spouse shares your joy at the prospect of a new family member. Some men are so in tune to their partners that they experience the same symptoms of pregnancy: weight gain, nausea and swollen feet. For a man, it is as close as he will ever come to knowing what it is like to have a life inside of them.

You share all of the duties of getting ready for the baby. He tells his friends that he will be a daddy soon and they celebrate. He visits the doctor for the ultrasound of his little child. The baby exists as a concept to him but now he knows that his son or daughter is real. Feeling him kick also confirms that.

When a miscarriage occurs, everyone gathers around you. They ask you how you feel and want to comfort you often forgetting about the father. Like a good provider, he rallies around you and pushes his own grief aside.

Make no mistake, fathers grieve also. They have a different way of showing it but they also pass through the grief stages. In his own mind he feels denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Because you are grieving outwardly, he may never show you how he feels.

Throwing Himself into his Work

This is a classic coping strategy for men. In order to deal with the issue of a miscarriage, they turn to work. Instead of being at the office for eight hours they stretch it to ten or twelve. He doesn’t want to show emotion around you so he stays away. Unfortunately, you see this as never being around for you or at least your family and friends see it that way and pass their thoughts on to you. If you and he are not in the same room together unless you are sleeping, then he can avoid the topic of feelings and loss altogether.

Other Attitudes

There is something to know about men. Most of their feelings are worked out in their head. When they are sad, instead of showing sadness, they feel it in their mind and rationalize that it is better not to show it or they talk themselves into feeling better before a word is ever uttered. As a woman and partner, you miss out on the discussion and emotional side of them because it doesn’t take place in actual time but only in their heads.

When he has decided he has coped with his grief (probably just the denial stage) he may project that to you in his actions. He appears to be moving on and can’t understand why you haven’t either. If you are both in denial together, he may think that you have done the “head work” like he has and things are back to normal. It is not going to be business as usual for either of you at this point.

Sometimes men either avoid or want sex all the time. For a man, love and intimacy are tied together. Women equate emotions with intimacy. To him, having sex makes things feel better or at least more normal.

You, on the other hand, think of sex as being too close to the idea of pregnancy and can’t handle it right now. Rejecting his advances towards sex can be seen as rejecting his love according to his mind. He may even want to get pregnant again so that the pain of the miscarriage can end.

Relationship Issues: Where Things Go Wrong

In both reactions to the miscarriage, there is one common thread – lack of communication. Neither you nor your partner knows what the other is feeling. Each person is assuming what they think the other is going through. Such miscommunication can end a relationship after a miscarriage. It can also fuel resentment that results in both of you hating and blaming each other for something that was not your fault.

Grief Counseling

So, how does a couple get through a miscarriage? It begins with counseling. He may not want to go but it is in both of your best interests for him to do so. A counselor that specializes in grief can get the ball rolling on the communication front.

Men can turn resentful when their feelings are discounted. Just because they didn’t carry the baby doesn’t make their grief any less important. This becomes the situation unbeknownst to you when friends and family members throw their attention your way instead of comforting both of you as a couple who has lost a child.

Grief counseling can help both partners to get their feelings out in the open. A man can feel comfortable sharing his feelings and even shedding tears for his lost child in the company of you and a counselor. Counseling brings an understanding and freedom that is refreshing and life-saving. It teaches you to turn to one another instead of away from each other.

Commemoration

Finding a way to commemorate the brief life of your child brings closure and peace. Some couples find it useful to have memorial services. You and your partner can share your grief with your friends and family members.

Your friends and family will be there for you regardless because they love you. The memorial service puts the pain into perspective for both of you so you can heal. The service can be conducted quietly in your home or, if you have a church home, ask your minister to preside over a simple service for you. If you choose, have a plaque or some type of marker created to mark the occasion.

Research Donation

The miscarriage could be due to genetic problems like a chromosomal abnormality. To pay homage to your lost child, give a donation in their name to a research foundation that is doing work to detect and correct such issues for healthy pregnancies. You’ll know that some good has come out of the loss.

Write it Down

It is hard to put into words what you feel at certain times. But, at the same time, your heart is so full of feelings and pain that you need an outlet. Write it all down on paper. A journal can clear your head. Whenever you are hurt, write it down.

Some who experience miscarriage might even decide to turn their grief into useful lessons for others by starting a blog. It is like a journal only in an online setting. Anyone who has had a miscarriage and needs help coping can read about your experience and gain some insights. Since it is a blog, readers can also comment and share their tips for coping. You never know what good thing may come out of it.

Talk to a Spiritual Guide

Times when things happen that can’t be explained, people turn to their faith to get them through. Turning to your priest, pastor, rabbi, elder or spiritual guide can help to put the pieces in perspective. A strong faith can keep the family together in such a crisis. Also, you can ask his or her advice about explaining the situation to other children who may not totally understand what has happened.

Finally, miscarriages can happen to any woman during her child-bearing years. When you have planned and await the arrival of your new child, news of a miscarriage devastates you. The pain of the loss can send both of you spinning off in different direction in search of answers and relief.

All too often couples turn away from each other as a lack of communication builds a wall of resentment and guilt between them. If you aren’t careful, this event can end the relationship in a cloud of hurt and misunderstanding.

It won’t be easy, but a couple can rebound from a miscarriage. From the beginning find ways to cope with your loss. No matter how differently you both are grieving make every effort to express your feelings to each other first before anyone else. If you have to, turn to a counselor to get the ball rolling. They can help you sort things out.